I'm ready

"You're like the river: always flowing and growing, never changing; rearranging"

When I was in the 5th grade, I started attending a Pentecostal Christian church here in Soledad with a couple of friends of mine. I started going because I had a crush on one of my friends, and then motive suddenly changed to getting out of the house, and then I started going because I genuinely enjoyed being in church. I love the way the church treated me, I love the way it was my get away, and ultimately, I loved how it felt like I always had a second family. My love for God was real, there was even a point in time where I thought ministry was my calling. I attended Church camp for 2 years in a row, I went on a mission trip to Mexico, I practically made church my first priority. This lasted from the 5th grade, till the 8th grade, and for some of my freshmen year of high school. But as high school was approaching, I started going through my whole conformist stage. Soon, that lead to my drinking stage.

From the middle of my freshmen year, up until the end of my sophomore year, I drank. A lot. I eventually stopped going to church, and somehow lost all faith. The bottle was my savior. When I finally stopped drinking, I always had feeling to go back to church, back to my family, back to the people who saw me grow spiritually. I went to some services, but they never spoke to me because I was compromising things with God. I wanted to believe in one thing, but not believe in something else. And to this day, I still do that.

Today, I went to church. I've been to church a couple of times since I've decided to be sober, and they always seem so condemning. Well, today's message was condemning, but also spoke to me. Taking a look at who I am, I've changed. For the worst, maybe. And in someways, for the best. But as I really sat down and thought, my most inner regrets, my skeletons, my demons, they were knocking on the walls of my conscience. Bringing guilt upon my positive outlook. I know what I've done is wrong. I can sit here and cry all I want about it, but as Killing The Dream says: "You can look a thousand times, but it will never change." 
What I've done is never going to leave me. Who I was is never going to leave. But who I am is always going to shine. 


I want to be a better person. I want to see myself grow more spiritually. I'm ready to go back to God, and I'm ready to live for Him. I'm ready.
I know I may fall, and I may stumble, but all things through Christ is possible. I just really need a hug right now.
Admitting that I regret somethings that I've done is too hard, I have too much pride. But I'm ready to put my pride in God.


God, I need you.

And she lived happily ever after.

I'm not sure what the key to happiness is, or what life is going to bring me, but I'm pretty sure that I've discovered a new happiness.

This happiness is all me, no one else. I've finally learned something that I've been trying to discover for years, and that is depending on myself for happiness.

Life is beautiful, and I'm not depending on anyone to make it that way, besides me & God.

Thank you, God. <3

Creed.

"But at night you're dancing through the pain even if you're the only one."

When it all comes down to it, life is one big struggle. But no one ever makes it out alive. I can't say that I don't feel a big negative, or a bit down, but I try not to let this overcome who I truly am.

Introspectively, I don't understand how some people cope with these things better than others. The mind is such a beautiful thing, and, analytically, we're all so different. Everyone has strength in them, and strength literally makes or breaks you.-- I know strength will make her. 

I'll find the strength in me. I'll find the strength in my mom. I'll do anything in my will to make sure this does not defeat her. And I will keep my mom standing. I promise this.

I'll pray every night. I'll hide the tears, and keep a smile on. I'll take pain for her. Literally.

The thought of her going through pain kills me inside. The thought kills my Mom. 

The meaning of family has never hit me harder. 

Don't give up now sweetie, life isn't ready to let you go, and I know this.

Reminiscing.

First thought: I am going to be a senior in less than 11 school days. I am excited, thrilled, but most importantly scared. Not scared of my senior year, but scared of what comes after that; Life. For years I have anticipated this moment in time where I will be on my own, and taking care of myself. But as this day comes closer with every hour, I feel unprepared.
I was raised with determination, and somehow I have adopted the quality of being stubborn. Relevance of these qualities all comes down to the fact that I am NOT going to give up my "after high school plans". I know that everyone has or have had these plans, and of course they are subject to change, but I am headstrong about them.
First of all, I want to move out. Not because I am "tired of my house" or because I "hate my family" or any of those typical answers. I want to move out to feel independent and because I know if I stay at home I will not accomplish anything besides being a bum. I know moving out takes money, duh. I'll do it somehow.
I'm not too sure about WHERE I want to move, but my choices are broad. I've been considering Santa Cruz a lot lately, and it seems like a good idea. So, lets just focus on Santa Cruz for now.
I want to attend Cabrillo Community College in Aptos. Because of the fact that I messed up my freshmen and sophomore year, I'm not too sure about about UC's or CSU's. But, I dont want to give up completely.
I want to study psychology with an emphasis on Narcotic Psychology or Child Psychology. I want to study nursing, and I want to study cosmetology. Silly, I know, but I don't want to be married to one profession.
My desire to study psychology all comes from my aspirations of being a drug rehabilitation counselor. Nursing because I want to go into professional piercing. And, well, cosmetology because its always something that I've considered.
For the past year now, I have planned on moving to Santa Cruz with my best friend Isaac. I hope these plans stick.
Second thought: I want to be a better person. I don't know how I'm going to accomplish this, and I don't even know where to start. I guess I want to be a better over all person, and I want to be able to come to terms with people, and stop using the word "hate" so much. I want to stop being so hateful.
Third thought: I really, really, really, really want to pursue acting and music after high school. Wow, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I am really good :D Or so I've been told. In my opinion, I don't think that I should give up a talent that has taken years to acquire. I'm not sure if I want to be a professional actress or musician, but I do know that I want to study these both better. 
Fourth thought: I'm going to stop putting my heart out there. This heart is currently in repair.
Fifth thought: I want, need, aspire, blahblahblah, to be a better vegan. I suck.
Sixth, and final, thought: I need to talk to God.


Good night world,


Samantha :)

Just something I feel like doing.

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.” ♥

 I love my friends. I love every single aspect. And ultimately, I'm so proud of them. I feel like I never give them enough gratitude, or sometimes even love. I know this blog can't justify everything, but I want to let you know how much I love you, individually :). If I dont list you, don't take it personal.
(Not in order :P)

Alex, wow. I don't know where to start. Oh wait, heres a good place to start: I love you. You are my best friend, and sometimes it even feels like my guardian angel and my reminder to keep on going on in life. You know every nook and cranny about me. You can tell when I'm upset without even saying a word to each other. Through all our "fights", and arguments I'll never stop loving you. You bring true joy to my life. Through every struggle you have been there for me through thick and thin--and I know it doesn't end here. I can't begin to list the memories we've had because that would take forever, but I know that I will hold on to these memories forever. I love you so much, you're the STRONGEST person I know. I can't wait to see what the future will hold. I always joke around and tell people that I would carry your baby if you asked me to, but honestly, I would. I would give anything in the world to see that beautiful smile form across your face, and I would give anything to know that your genuinely happy. Oh my, Alex. I'm almost crying writing this. I miss you so much. It kills me sometimes because I miss having those nights with you, but I'm so happy that you enjoy living in Manteca. This is forever, Alex. I swear <3

Elizabeth, once again I don't know where to start with you. I don't think that our friendship is a normal one. Why? Because. We're not friends, we're sisters. Just like Alex, you know everything about me. Our memories are PRICELESS. I love you so much, no dyke tho. Our friendship is irreplaceable. I don't think I can ever find anyone much like you, nor would I look. You're great. Endless laughs, endless bond. Our bond is greater than I could ever imagine, and just to think this sprouted from a good ol' hating relationship :) You're one of the few girls that I really get along with. I love how you've adopted me into your family and I've adopted you into mine. I love how we could be together for weeks at a time and not get tired of each other, and I love how I could tell you ANYTHING and you will not judge. You always support me in every decision. And I love how you're like the older sister figure to me. I look up to you very much, because you're amazing. I love you baby girl, and I wish you the best of luck in life. But truth is, you're not getting rid of me <3

Isaac, fucking aye. You're, like, my little brother. But most of the time I just tell people: "He's my everything". Ha cheesey right? Oh well. We spend countless hours with each other, we do the stupidest shit, and we always have a good laugh. But no matter what, I can always count on you. I could count on you to be that LITERAL shoulder to cry on, and I can count on you to tell me how stupid I really am. I can count on you to sing songs with me, and I can count on you when I need you most. I can't wait till we live together in our Santa Cruz house with our $15,000 Mike Giant picture & not be able to pay rent. Shit, I can't till I see you which will probably be tomorrow! We have this bond, I'm not sure if I can explain it, but I know its there. People don't understand us, because we're just that much better ;) I love you so much. I can't even imagine life without having you around! <3


Sarra, shit son! Who would of thought that I, SamMassacre, would be friends with You, Sarrawr! HAHA. <3 No but seriously ;) Plain & simple: I love you. I'm not letting you go. You're MY best friend. A keeper. We do the funniest things when we're together and I can also count on you for ANYTHING. I love how I could tell you any situation and you understand, and you give me the best guidance. I love how we bust hella mish's together, and I love how close we've become. I could never ask for a better friend of you because in my eyes, you are my perfect friend. Your sense of humor never fails to put a wide smile on my face, even when smiling doesn't seem possible. I'll be here for you until your dying day, and I know that this is a mutual promise. "Cuuuuuurly hair, LOOOONG curly hair!" I love you. OH! and i love how fucking smart you are! You're one of the few people I can have an amazing ass educated convo with. And I love it. You're smart, beautiful, funny, and great. Wooo, #epicwin for @posisam <3

Carlos, a friendship that has been around for years but a bond that has just sprouted. I'll never forget freshmen year with you, and all of our endless and countless laughs. But most of all, I'll never forget the recent memories and the memories that are to come. You're so amazing. You're so hot. We laugh about the stupidest shit and around you, I can truly be myself. We're great. I can't wait to see you in high fashion ads and to be able to say "He's my best friend!" <3 "How much is a ten shot?!" <3 hahahahah I love you. I will always love you. You deserve so much more, trust me. You're an amazing individual--with the best sense of humor. and I love how you can eat lots & even more I love how you eat my vegan food. I love you :)

Franky, I don't things words can explain how much I FUCKING miss you. But I also don't think words can explain how proud I am of you. You're my hoe, and even tho we don't talk anymore you'll always be my hoe. :) I miss how we use to text all day errrryday about the most pointless things, and I miss my 16th birthday when you made me the best cake. I love you. I'm so glad that you're starting your life as an adult and pursuing so much more. I miss you, but I know, somehow, that our bond is still there. I wish you the best of luck with your new life <3




For now, this is it. But I have a feeling there is going to be a part 2. Good night ya'll.

Words.

I have so many things to say, so many words to write, so many random ideas & for some no words to describe how I feel.

First things first, I HATE BOYS. Ha, well not really. Considering, I'm like 16--going to be 17 in a week :)-- of course I have boy drama. Some of which is not necessary. All I have to say is: they are confusing ass creatures. I've tried time and time again to understand the gears of their brains, and so far I have not succeeded. But besides understanding their brains, its even HARDER to understand mine! I don't know why I do the things I do, or say the things I say but when it comes down to it, I end up doing or saying those things. I never regret, but my actions do sometimes bite me in the ass. I was having a talk with a good friend, and he made me realize many things. Thank you.

Secondly, tomorrow is my Grandma's birthday. I know that I always blog about her, but sometimes it just seems so unavoidable. I somehow think that Grandma has a computer up in Heaven and she reads my blogs. :)
82 years ago tomorrow, a beautiful, amazing, woman was brought into this world with a purpose. That purpose was to touch the lives of others &  bring a smile upon faces. This was succeeded. My Grandma never failed to put a smile on my face, and she never failed to change me for the better. I've said so many times before that she is the reason why I am the person I am today, & I mean that with all my heart. She made me strong & her death has also made me strong. I miss her with everything with in me. I love you Grandma, Happy Birthday to a beautiful woman <3

These lyrics.

I've watched so many run that it makes me feel numb when
I lose a good friend to another pointless trend.
I'm sick of superficial minds clogging the ears of our blind,
blind because they cannot see their own dismal routines.
No matter what is your label, we've got to turn all the tables before its too late.
and before we have the chance to state all the shit that is wrong with this society
in which we belong, where the privileged don't speak.
they're too busy fighting for their green.
This lack of hope has been jammed down my throat to the point
where I only care about impending air.
As I chocked up, all the words came out
and I finally heard all the shit you had been talking about.
You said I wouldn't last too long. well you're wrong.
I am the black sheep of this country because I won't buy what they sell me.
My friend, that's what this X means.
It's the symbol of all my beliefs.
It's the ink thats been used by this world to cross out my words
so they wouldn't hold and to crush my defiant thoughts.
but its only put a fire in my heart.
I can pick myself up when I'm down with this fire in my heart.

I don't even think I can begin to explain how true this is. I can't began to explain how much a promise has molded me into me, and how much it really means to me. Fuck what you have to say. My past is MY past. I'm living the life I love, and loving the life I live.
Here I am, ten times stronger.
I never want to lose anyone to drugs, ever again.

A word of inspiration, or maybe a sense of venting.

I know what its like to be on the other side of that intervention. Begging and pleading. Crying and screaming. Getting so frustrated that giving up seems like the only option. I never gave up though.

Reality sets in, and sometimes I don't understand why people do this to their loved ones. Why do they drink? Why do they do drugs? Why? Maybe my questions will never be answered.

I doubt no ones going to read this. But if I could, I would tell every child, every teenager, every mother, every father, everyone: If you're dealing with someone who is addicted to something, don't give up. Your hope, your love, your inspiration is needed.


As for me, my choice of being straight edge reflects off of what I've been through with my Mom, and what I AM going through with my dad.
I've never felt so hurt before, and I've never been so confused. The thoughts of being unloved constantly filled my mind. Haunting images and words, actions that could never be taken back.
Disease. Death. All of this, is something that I, and many others, went through or are going through.

I want to let you know, that you are not alone. And that you are still very loved. Just because a loved one is addicted, it DOES not mean that they don't love you. Sometimes they don't understand that they are hurting you, they are just so wrapped up with their next fix,or their next high that they just forget.

I know what its like to feel like you're always last to get picked. Its always the drugs or you, and more often than not its the drugs.
I wish no one else had to go through this.

"If I could take your pain and frame it, and hang it on my wall then maybe you would never have to hurt at all."

Many don't realize the pain, the tears, the resentment, the hate, and all these mixed emotions that submerge because of addiction. I can go on and on about emotions, but I would be sitting here all day.

Today, I was watching Intervention. This lady was an alcoholic. During her intervention, her son was sitting there crying. Weeping. Balling. It almost brought me to tears. I remember being in the same place about 5 years ago. I remember being so upset because I just couldn't get it through her head. I wanted to beat her with my tears, I wanted to kill her with my words. The same feelings that I just described towards my mom was what I felt towards the lady.

One more word of wisdom: I know a lot of people think "addiction will never happen to me" or "I just drink on occasion", just keep those who you love in mind next time you take that shot or that hit, or do that line. Really. because you're hurting the people who mean most to you, the ones who you can never get back. Your family.


I'm out.

Nature.

Yesterday I went on a hike with two really good friends, although I'm not much of an outdoorsy-type person I really enjoyed myself.

Seeing the nature, and how beautiful everything is made me appreciate my life and my choice of veganism more.

Knowing that the animals inhabit such a beautiful place makes me smile with satisfaction and envy because I would want to live in something so beautiful. The thought that these living, breathing, angelic creatures are not going to be slaughtered or exploited in anyway wrenched my heart.
Even though I was very pessimistic about the whole hike in the beginning, I ended up having the time of my life and really appreciated God's natural gifts to this world; including the animals.

As I've said a billion times before, being vegan isn't just a lifestyle, its MY LIFE.  And with each passing day I get a feeling of closure thinking that this will FOREVER be my life.

HAHAHAHAH Growing up has never been so funny.

Applying for Scholarships...

wish me luck, guys :)

This quote will get me through the night.

"Wake up, look up, there's a warmth up there
a reminder of peace, a reason to care."

Speechless.

I have never seen my Mom so scared. The look in her eyes is that of a 5 year old girl whose lost.
I feel the tears, and I wish there was something that I can do.

My aunt has breast cancer, and it is now in stage 4. 

Its hard to process, and the first thing that comes in my head is "not again".
I have so many unanswered questions, so many unsaid things, and it feels like such a limited time to do so.

The thought of death around the corner scares me...but its not about me.
I'm going to put my all in being strong. I need to stay strong.



My word advice:
You can NEVER tell someone that you love them enough. Be sure that the first & last thing you say to someone close to you are "I love you".

Before I go to sleep.

Realism doesn't exist except to the person who believes that they, themselves, are a realist.

Good night.

This feeling that never gets old.

"I've given up too many nights, in hopes to hide away with sleep. I'm running from my enemy, but still she drags me by the feet. Fuck days when I can't find the time, or even care to open my eyes. I drill the clock into the wall. Pass hours until I'm wrinkled thin. Nightmares seem to follow me, its getting hard to remember my dreams. If I stay awake tonight I'll gain much more than growing old. Now each eyelid shut, I 'm giving in but never giving up.

Wake up."

 

Life is

-Beautiful.

"It is not length of life, but depth of life." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Mike Giant art has a special place in my heart.

I don't know what it is, but I love it.

Moment of truth.

For almost a year I've devoted my life to not eating meat, and for almost 2 months I've devoted it to not consuming or supporting animal products at all. I made this decision solely upon me and with VERY little influence. And the influence that I did get didn't come from the whole "everyone else is doing it".
I'm bothered by the fact that because I'm vegan, I'm apparently "following a trend".
My response: TREND SHMEND. 


Lets get a couple of things straight.

-I'm vegan because of me. I'm vegan for the animals. I'm vegan for a better life style. <--- Do you see "trend" anywhere in that?
-If I was doing it for this so called "trend" I wouldn't put as much money, energy, or passion that I do. I have pride for being vegan, and I'm never scared to argue my morals with someone.


Should I care what people think about my veganism? No, I shouldn't. But I do.
I care because vegan isn't just a word, its not just the way I eat, or what I don't eat. Its a life style, its MY life style. Hell, its my life. I love being vegan.
Veganism has given me a better outlook on life. I would never go back to eating meat.

But even IF veganism/vegetarianism is a trend it doesn't matter much to me. The more vegans, the better.

"Stop this bloody axe from swinging. Pray my broken heart keeps beating. Stop. This. Axe"

"I'll live this way until I die, in the end I'll be smiling till I cry"

I like this.

When I was cleaning out my drawers the other day, I found all my stuff that I use to write. And I found something that really intrigued me.
It didn't have a title, just a date. It was all crumpled but the words had so much meaning, I was so surprised that I wrote this.

 6/13/09

 Like a little girl I start writing your name on my paper, I write it oh so nicely, in pretty handwriting and seal it with a heart. The heart is there to represent love and possibly a feeling of togetherness. I seem to think this heart can't be broken. Although in the back of my mind bites the insecurities, soon taking over my head. With everything that goes wrong I give myelf abuse that I think will do justice. What is wrong with me? I think that question and in fact I'm not even sure if it can be answered. Everything seems to be wrong and soon your glittery words take over my heart. I have fell to hard. I practically break everything in me, but with the strength I do have, I set myself up and i dust myself off. My soft exterior soon becomes very hard and the glitter is soon washed away. I am left with bruises, scrapes, and scars. But most of all I am left with this situation. The blurryness and confusion. I know that from now on I do not seek glittery words but rather dull, so I can find the glitter inside of you. Call me crazy but I am glad that I fell for you, it gave me a chance to pick myself up on my own. I have now learned my own strength and I know what I am capable of all because of my fall. I believe you have helped me grow up a little and I hope you know what you are missing out on. For now, I will not hate but with time I might come to realize that your actions are deserving of some kind of disgust.

If you couldn't tell, its about a boy. Ew.

"I'll count the hours having just one wish, if I'm doing fine then theres no point to this."

This is where my heart is.

<-- Professional Piercing, <3

Update!

I feel like I'm on top of the world, and nothing can bring me down.
Honestly, life is great. I can't ask for anything better.
2010 seems like my year, and I hope that it stays that way.

But what goes up, must come down right?

Unfortunately. Today I found out that my aunts breast cancer showed up again. I hope that everything is under control, please keep her in your prayers.

Besides that, I'm keeping my head UP and hoping for a better tomorrow. Yesterday doesn't even exist. And today is already almost the past.

"In my days somebody told me that the rain would always come, always come to wash away the pain. But nothing changes and this world still wants me down, wants me down on my knees praying in that rain.
Born this way, die this way.

I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees, I'd rather die on my feet so you can watch me, you can watch me, WATCH ME RISE, with the things we carry."

Good day, sir :) 

 

New Year. New start. New Sam?

The new year comes around and everyones first thought: New Years Resolution.

For the past couple of years, I've made the same cliche resolutions as everyone else. I always put so much effort into thinking what I could change, and what was needed to change.
The first one that was always on my list was: lose weight. That was always an epic fail, and this year I didn't even bother to think about it.
As the new year came around, I kept thinking. Reflecting on 2009 and what happened, what didn't, and what could of.

I finally came up with one:
BE MORE ASSERTIVE.

This simple little sentence is one that scares me, and I don't even know how to go about it.

as⋅ser⋅tive/əˈsɜrtɪv/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [uh-sur-tiv]

–adjective

1.	confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive: aggressive; dogmatic

"Confidently aggressive"- First of all, I have no confidence. None. Zero. This could be a big problem. I'm so unsure of myself, its horrible. I'm going to work on loving me, and not someone else.

For years I have let everyone step over me. I've never been able to say no and I've always been the one who got screwed over time and time again.
For once in my life, I want to strive for excellence without getting hurt.

Wish me luck guys :)

This should have probably been the first thing I blogged...

Well, considering that I haven't wrote one of these yet I'm going to write one of those "about me" blogs. Get ready for the biggest thrill of your life...HA!

Well, my name is Samantha Magdalena Barba. I live in the coolest town ever--NOT. I live in Soledad, California. It may be boring, but in reality its all I know. I'm 16, soon to be 17, and I'm a smart ass. Really, I am. I'm more stubborn than a mule; but I have ethics that, sometimes, surprise even me.

I'm your typical everyday teenager...well for the most part. I like talking on the phone, going for walks, being with friends, and all that jazz.
Well, thats all on the surface of course. But inside of me, I have this inferno flame of passion burning with feelings that have the intensity of a million suns... or NOT. I'm a drama geek (hence the last sentence) and a band geek. Band is MY LIFE. I breathe, sleep, eat, and poop BAND. Well not band, but music.

The morals that I hold have been with me since the day of time, or ones that I've recently adopted. I'm vegan. I'm straight edge. Family&friends mean more to me than ME.

My choice of being vegan all reflects off of the compassion in my heart and the longing for change. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you must think that I'm one of those hippies who fight for world peace and do all that other hippie crap. But I'm not. In fact, all I want is animal rights and for people to be more educated about where there food, clothing, entertainment, and treatments are coming from and what it endured to be where it is now. I never impose my thoughts; all I do is educate.

I'm straight edge because of various reasons. I've been through tough times and the skeletons in my closet are there to prove it. I love my family and friends more than you can imagine, and by me doing all that hooplah with drugs and alcohol, I know its just hurting them. I wake up each morning knowing that my day will be a day well lived out, without a crutch.

Once I was asked, "what WOULD you do without your family". A simple question was turned into one of the most complex. Because honestly, what would I do. I would die. Point blank. Either literally or metaphorically. My family is my crutch. My foundation. My everything. Love doesn't explain it, and no other word ever will. And friends fall into this category too.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Cause and effect pattern. When something doesn't go my way, I know that it was for the better. Positive thinking.

I always get all mumbled jumbled when I'm asked to write about myself...because I never know what else to write. I mean, sure, I got the whole vegan, straightedge, family thing down. But what else? What else is there to Samantha Magdalena Barba? I know there's more. But I just can't find it, hopefully someday I will. And this is what motivates me to live. The unknown secrets of tomorrow, the not knowing if tomorrow even exists! Everyday is a new day, and tomorrow or yesterday are not my worries.


For now, that is all. Notice how I said "for now" :D