I'm ready

"You're like the river: always flowing and growing, never changing; rearranging"

When I was in the 5th grade, I started attending a Pentecostal Christian church here in Soledad with a couple of friends of mine. I started going because I had a crush on one of my friends, and then motive suddenly changed to getting out of the house, and then I started going because I genuinely enjoyed being in church. I love the way the church treated me, I love the way it was my get away, and ultimately, I loved how it felt like I always had a second family. My love for God was real, there was even a point in time where I thought ministry was my calling. I attended Church camp for 2 years in a row, I went on a mission trip to Mexico, I practically made church my first priority. This lasted from the 5th grade, till the 8th grade, and for some of my freshmen year of high school. But as high school was approaching, I started going through my whole conformist stage. Soon, that lead to my drinking stage.

From the middle of my freshmen year, up until the end of my sophomore year, I drank. A lot. I eventually stopped going to church, and somehow lost all faith. The bottle was my savior. When I finally stopped drinking, I always had feeling to go back to church, back to my family, back to the people who saw me grow spiritually. I went to some services, but they never spoke to me because I was compromising things with God. I wanted to believe in one thing, but not believe in something else. And to this day, I still do that.

Today, I went to church. I've been to church a couple of times since I've decided to be sober, and they always seem so condemning. Well, today's message was condemning, but also spoke to me. Taking a look at who I am, I've changed. For the worst, maybe. And in someways, for the best. But as I really sat down and thought, my most inner regrets, my skeletons, my demons, they were knocking on the walls of my conscience. Bringing guilt upon my positive outlook. I know what I've done is wrong. I can sit here and cry all I want about it, but as Killing The Dream says: "You can look a thousand times, but it will never change." 
What I've done is never going to leave me. Who I was is never going to leave. But who I am is always going to shine. 


I want to be a better person. I want to see myself grow more spiritually. I'm ready to go back to God, and I'm ready to live for Him. I'm ready.
I know I may fall, and I may stumble, but all things through Christ is possible. I just really need a hug right now.
Admitting that I regret somethings that I've done is too hard, I have too much pride. But I'm ready to put my pride in God.


God, I need you.