So today is Thanksgiving '09.
One day away from a year since my Grandma had the heart attack, but honestly, thats beside the point.
All day I have been thinking, "What am I grateful for". So I figured, whats a better way to say this, than in a blog :D
First of all, I'm grateful for my family. Cliche, I know. Without my family, I would be no one.
Specifically, I'm grateful for my parents. Because the two of them decided to have sex I now have life. But thats not all they've done for me. My parents provide me with everything that I need, or want. They struggle so I can be happy, and trust me, its hard seeing your family struggle. I know that everything they do, has a reason behind it. And not to sound conceited, but a lot of the times the reason is me. I'm thankful for my Mother because she is finally here to deal with me. And I'm glad that she puts up with all my shit. My Father because he tries so hard to give me the life I've always wanted. I can't even explain how much of my gratitude goes to them. I'm very thankful for my Grandma, even though shes not here with me. I'm thankful for her being my foundation for so many years. I'm thankful for every single aunt and uncle, cousin, or whoever they might be. I'm thankful for anyone who is blood related to me. I love being indulged in love.
Besides the family, I am soooo grateful for my friends. Yes, yes, I know. Cliche again, but oh well. Some of my friends have been there for me through thick and thin. They put up with the stuff that my family doesn't, and they give me laughs for days. I love my friends as much as I love my family. "You don't have to be blood to be family".
OH! And I'm thankful for my enemies too, they also make me laugh :)
Now, I'm lazy. So I'm just gunna make a list of all the things I'm thankful for.
-Veggies
-Tofu
-Music
-School
-My phone
-Clothing
-My house
-My kitties
-This computer that I'm writing this blog on.
-My bed...Well basically any thing that belongs to me.
-TWITTER <3
-All those other social networking sites
-Veganism and sobriety.
-This beautiful world.
-Faith
I'm sure theres more, buuuuuuuuuut I want some apple pie.
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope you realize what you really have so you can be thankful too :)
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Not again.
So about a year ago on the 23rd, it was the day my Grandma went into the hospital. Sadly after that, she never came home. November 27th, she had a major hard attack. She passed away peacefully, December 4th.
For the past year, I have been having dreams about her. Dreams that even I can't explain. Some of them re-occurring, others of them spontaneous.
For about the last 3 or 4 months, I haven't had any dreams about her.
Then last night, out of no where, I had one.
Its really blurry to me, but all I remember is the same theme; She came back alive and she was getting ready to die again.
This is the second time I had this dream. The first time was far more vivid than last night.
But last night, all I remember is telling her that I love her. This for some reason has been stuck in my head all day. In the dream, I was so determined to tell her how much I love her. I would not let her go without telling her that, and I remember crying.
Theres not a doubt in my mind that I didn't love her. My grandma was my everything. I don't even know what to write, but I feel like I had to write.
This time last year, she was still alive. She was so happy, she was...just so beautiful. Each day that passes, gets harder than the rest, and somehow something reminds me of her.
I wish I could just come home from school and see her sitting at the couch, "Oh hey Grandma."
I wish I could tell her how much I loved her, and I wish she could see me growing up. I miss her so much that this pain almost feels physical.
I can't even comprehend that a year has past since her death, and this is only the first.
The holidays were her favorite times of the year, she loved cooking so much.
I don't know when I'll feel complete again, I don't know if I ever will.
When I was younger, it would break me down to think that Grandma wouldn't be alive forever. But with a childish attitude, I blew that off and said "Grandma is always going to be with me."
If only I knew the significance of those words now, because as I sit here and write this I truly know how foolish I was to think that.
Oh Grandma, I love you so much.
For the past year, I have been having dreams about her. Dreams that even I can't explain. Some of them re-occurring, others of them spontaneous.
For about the last 3 or 4 months, I haven't had any dreams about her.
Then last night, out of no where, I had one.
Its really blurry to me, but all I remember is the same theme; She came back alive and she was getting ready to die again.
This is the second time I had this dream. The first time was far more vivid than last night.
But last night, all I remember is telling her that I love her. This for some reason has been stuck in my head all day. In the dream, I was so determined to tell her how much I love her. I would not let her go without telling her that, and I remember crying.
Theres not a doubt in my mind that I didn't love her. My grandma was my everything. I don't even know what to write, but I feel like I had to write.
This time last year, she was still alive. She was so happy, she was...just so beautiful. Each day that passes, gets harder than the rest, and somehow something reminds me of her.
I wish I could just come home from school and see her sitting at the couch, "Oh hey Grandma."
I wish I could tell her how much I loved her, and I wish she could see me growing up. I miss her so much that this pain almost feels physical.
I can't even comprehend that a year has past since her death, and this is only the first.
The holidays were her favorite times of the year, she loved cooking so much.
I don't know when I'll feel complete again, I don't know if I ever will.
When I was younger, it would break me down to think that Grandma wouldn't be alive forever. But with a childish attitude, I blew that off and said "Grandma is always going to be with me."
If only I knew the significance of those words now, because as I sit here and write this I truly know how foolish I was to think that.
Oh Grandma, I love you so much.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Time.
8:14, Thursday November 12, 2009.
Ok another minute just passed by. Where did that minute go? Could that minute have salvaged something? Maybe that could have been my last.
Who knows. Time is such an abstract thing, one can not see it, but it passes by ALL the time. The faint sounds of time are the clock ticking, a second, another second, and another.
Each second closer to death.
As a human, we know that recouping for lost time is impossible. The qualities of the impossibility make it all the better for us to want. We regret the time we lost, how we used our time, etc.
But why regret? If the time is gone, why do we long to change it?
Each second we take on regretting is a second that we could have been smiling, laughing, or doing something more productive.
I advise all of you take your time wisely. Don't be foolish.
Ok another minute just passed by. Where did that minute go? Could that minute have salvaged something? Maybe that could have been my last.
Who knows. Time is such an abstract thing, one can not see it, but it passes by ALL the time. The faint sounds of time are the clock ticking, a second, another second, and another.
Each second closer to death.
As a human, we know that recouping for lost time is impossible. The qualities of the impossibility make it all the better for us to want. We regret the time we lost, how we used our time, etc.
But why regret? If the time is gone, why do we long to change it?
Each second we take on regretting is a second that we could have been smiling, laughing, or doing something more productive.
I advise all of you take your time wisely. Don't be foolish.
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