Taking stuff for granted.

I'm not sure where to start. What to say, or how to say it. I could be blunt, or go into some whole fucking metaphorical reasoning.
Whatever comes out, comes out.
Ok. Here we go.
I found out that my Grandpa is very sick. I've known this, but today he was hospitalized.
I've never been close to my Grandpa. I mean, sure, he was my grand father, I love him but we never had much of a bond. This is where I start to feel guilty.
I have lived in Soledad for the past 9 years.
My Grandpa has never lived very far from me. Maybe a 30 min walk, a 5 min car ride.
With in these past 9 years, I'm pretty sure I can count on my toes and fingers how many times I went over. To be honest, going over to Grandpa's house was boring. I really only went on Thanksgivings and his Birthday. First regret.
When I did go over, we never talked much. It was always the same thing. "How are you" "Hows your mom/grandma/dad" blah blah blah. Continuity. No REAL conversations were hardly ever made. Second regret.
I was always the Grandchild that he never saw very often, but when I did see him I could see a light through his eyes that seemed like it was brighter than the sun. I know my grandpa loved me, maybe no different than any other grandchildren, but it was still love.
I wish I could have realized that maybe I should have made an effort to see him more often. Maybe I should have went over just to talk to him. Just to listen to stories.
I mean, he was my ONLY grandfather that I ever met. I sit here and I wonder why. why. why. WHY.
I regret all of this so much. I don't know what to do.

WHY THE FUCK

is it that as soon as I make a good fucking decision in my life, bitches have to talk shit.
First of all, I don't drink anymore because I've finally fucking grown up. I'm starting to realize shit that fucking 40 year olds don't realize. Just because I don't drink, I don't think I'm better than you. Like my mom said, "Once an addict, always an addict."
And quite honestly, i can give a flying fuck if "I'm not popular anymore." If being popular is ignorant than fuck, take your fucking ignorance and shove it up your stupid fucking ass. Stop trying to fit in with what society thinks of as a teenager. You make all fucking teenagers look bad.
I fucking hate teenagers, and honestly, "adults" aren't much better either. I'm so fucking tired of the "831", I really hope that June 2011 comes fast enough so I can GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Oh, and don't go saying "I don't care what people think about me", cause obviously if you didn't you wouldn't make that fucking statement. Stupid asses.
And this isn't directed towards one person, its a fucking rant to a mass, a mob, a group of fucking people.
If you swallowed your ignorance, you would choke on it.

Alcohol?

Most people take their first sips of alcohol at an early age, and many experience the wonders of being drunk very early as well.
I took my first sips of alcohol when I was very young. My parents offering a sip of beer to me when I was 5, I believe. The laughter of all the adults overwhelmed me, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.
The first time I got drunk, wow. I was 15, and I could barely stand. I threw up all over the place. This soon became a very familiar feeling and it was my plan for every weekend.
My week consisted of school, and me counting down the days till the weekend so I could get drunk. I didn't care what I drank, as long as I was drunk and I was drunk fast.
Bacardi 151 and UV Vodka became my best friends. I never thought about the consequences with the law, my parents, or what damage was being done to my body. I would wake up the next morning barely remembering the night behind me. I would see pictures in my phone and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Sadly, these pictures didn't even phase me.
Over the next year, I would realize that drinking was "no big deal". All my drinking took away my problems, shit never mattered to me when I was drunk.
Then my Grandma passed away. All I could think about was getting drunk so I could be numb. Numb. Numb. Numb?
I didn't even know how to cope with it. Of course I cried, but what else could I do to take care of these feelings? So I drank. And I drank again.
The first time I drank after my grandma's death, was horrible. I cried for 30 mins straight. Not even realizing what I was crying about. I was with friends who I expected to comfort me, but they didn't cause they were so fucked up.
The second time was horrible. New Years will never remain the same to me.
But even from this, I didn't learn. Months later, I was still drinking. Not every weekend but it was still happening.
Then BAAM. My best friend's very close relatives died from drunk driving. My friend, who is edge, was devastated but pissed off at the drunk driver. I felt guilty. As I tried to comfort her, all that kept going through my head was "Damn, Samantha. You are so fucking stupid". That night I made a promise to her that I would never drink again.
And then BAM again. My mom is an ex-alcoholic. She damaged her liver greatly. And because of this, she has to go through a treatment during the holiday's that is going to make her sick. Its like chemo-therapy.
All of these things kept coming at me, it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I soon started to realize the friends who cared about me, and they didn't want me to drink. I started having fun sober.
So many reasons were calling at my name to be sober, to not pollute my body anymore.
So, I did. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do this anymore, for my family, my friends, and me.
I started realizing that my friends who still drink are ignorant. As much as I hate to call them that, thats what I truly think.
I lost some friends over this decision, not completely, but our bonds were slightly broken. But it didn't quite bother me as much as I thought it was going to.
People who drink never quite learn, sure its fun for the moment but you don't realize the people you are hurting.
My dad drinks almost everyday and it hurts. I want to tell him all these things, make him realize but the words just won't come out.
Today, I learned that my second cousin Susie past away. I have no clue from what, but I know that her alcoholism was a big contributor.
May she rest in peace, but may her death be a gateway to new thoughts. Maybe people will realize that what they are doing is bad.
Maybe death is what it takes, I hope people start realizing a lot sooner.

This blog was poorly written, I dont care. Just a ramble.

Rest in Peace, Susie.