Winter- Bayside
When winter falls next year,
I’ll be holding on to anything nailed down.
As for being patient,
With fate and all it's getting old.
And my mind is slowly changing.
I’m calling all my oldest friends,
Saying sorry for this mess we’re in.
And I’m waiting, waiting,
For the sun to come and melt this snow,
Wash away the pain and give me back control, control.
An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Should we still set his plate?
Should we still save his chair?
Should we still buy him gifts?
And if we don’t did we not care?
It makes you think about the life you've led,
The shit you’ve done, the things you've said,
And its grounding, grounding.
I’ve been feeling 3 feet tall this month, hardly indestructible,
But the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on.
An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you’ve always stole my heart.
You’ll always mean so much to me it’s hard to believe this.
These nights in vans,
These nights in bars,
Don’t mean a thing with empty hearts.
With empty hearts.
An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you always stole my heart.
You’ve always meant so much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe this.
As I read these lyrics, a single tear falls from my eyes. Its amazing how something can seem like its written for you...so personal its like your life story being told to the world.
"Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you’ve always stole my heart.
You’ll always mean so much to me it’s hard to believe this. "
Oh Grandma, trust me you were more than my friend. Every aching second is another without you, and it gets harder each time. I try not to cry, I try not be sad. But I can't help it.
Am I weak cause I'm crying? I hope not. I'm trying so hard to stay strong. I really am trying. The last thing I would want to do is fail you.
This song is on repeat, I can't take it off.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I feel a pain. I'm not quite sure where its coming from, and I don't know what it is.
It feels almost physical, and its engulfing me.
I sit here and type, look at the time, and stumble upon the date. Ok, maybe I didn't stumble across it. I've known all about this day.
To most, its just another day. December 3, 2009.
Its not even really today that bothers me most. Its tomorrow.
December 4, 2009.
Just another day. I'll wake up just the same, go to school, come home, sleep.
But in all honesty, I hate this day. I abhor it. I loathe it. I despise it. Its despicable.
I understand the whole "Life moves on", but quite honestly I can't grasp hold of that.
I still haven't moved on. Will I ever move on? I don't think so.
Each day a new life is born, and one is taken. In order to gain something you must lose, and vice versa.
If it was up to me, I wouldn't take lives, just gain. I don't understand why we must lose something, especially if its so beautiful.
This life that was endowed should remain. I mean, we don't give back the gifts that we receive.
I wish I could I wake up tomorrow, in my old house, walk down the hall way and see her. Feel her warm, beautiful, embrace. I'm not sure how else to describe her except...beautiful. Everything about her. Heaven sent, I swear.
A year later and I can't process that the little white box in my living room is her. That was Grandma. It may have been her body, but her soul still lingers through out all of us. Sometimes I feel like shes just there, watching me. When I'm down most I just imagine a nice warm hug from her. When I'm happy I just imagine her smiling. When I feel like cooking I just imagine her telling me to be careful.
A time machine would be a great invention right about now.
I'm sure I could write something better, but quite frankly my mind is in a jumble.
I love you Grandma.
It feels almost physical, and its engulfing me.
I sit here and type, look at the time, and stumble upon the date. Ok, maybe I didn't stumble across it. I've known all about this day.
To most, its just another day. December 3, 2009.
Its not even really today that bothers me most. Its tomorrow.
December 4, 2009.
Just another day. I'll wake up just the same, go to school, come home, sleep.
But in all honesty, I hate this day. I abhor it. I loathe it. I despise it. Its despicable.
I understand the whole "Life moves on", but quite honestly I can't grasp hold of that.
I still haven't moved on. Will I ever move on? I don't think so.
Each day a new life is born, and one is taken. In order to gain something you must lose, and vice versa.
If it was up to me, I wouldn't take lives, just gain. I don't understand why we must lose something, especially if its so beautiful.
This life that was endowed should remain. I mean, we don't give back the gifts that we receive.
I wish I could I wake up tomorrow, in my old house, walk down the hall way and see her. Feel her warm, beautiful, embrace. I'm not sure how else to describe her except...beautiful. Everything about her. Heaven sent, I swear.
A year later and I can't process that the little white box in my living room is her. That was Grandma. It may have been her body, but her soul still lingers through out all of us. Sometimes I feel like shes just there, watching me. When I'm down most I just imagine a nice warm hug from her. When I'm happy I just imagine her smiling. When I feel like cooking I just imagine her telling me to be careful.
A time machine would be a great invention right about now.
I'm sure I could write something better, but quite frankly my mind is in a jumble.
I love you Grandma.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll :)
So today is Thanksgiving '09.
One day away from a year since my Grandma had the heart attack, but honestly, thats beside the point.
All day I have been thinking, "What am I grateful for". So I figured, whats a better way to say this, than in a blog :D
First of all, I'm grateful for my family. Cliche, I know. Without my family, I would be no one.
Specifically, I'm grateful for my parents. Because the two of them decided to have sex I now have life. But thats not all they've done for me. My parents provide me with everything that I need, or want. They struggle so I can be happy, and trust me, its hard seeing your family struggle. I know that everything they do, has a reason behind it. And not to sound conceited, but a lot of the times the reason is me. I'm thankful for my Mother because she is finally here to deal with me. And I'm glad that she puts up with all my shit. My Father because he tries so hard to give me the life I've always wanted. I can't even explain how much of my gratitude goes to them. I'm very thankful for my Grandma, even though shes not here with me. I'm thankful for her being my foundation for so many years. I'm thankful for every single aunt and uncle, cousin, or whoever they might be. I'm thankful for anyone who is blood related to me. I love being indulged in love.
Besides the family, I am soooo grateful for my friends. Yes, yes, I know. Cliche again, but oh well. Some of my friends have been there for me through thick and thin. They put up with the stuff that my family doesn't, and they give me laughs for days. I love my friends as much as I love my family. "You don't have to be blood to be family".
OH! And I'm thankful for my enemies too, they also make me laugh :)
Now, I'm lazy. So I'm just gunna make a list of all the things I'm thankful for.
-Veggies
-Tofu
-Music
-School
-My phone
-Clothing
-My house
-My kitties
-This computer that I'm writing this blog on.
-My bed...Well basically any thing that belongs to me.
-TWITTER <3
-All those other social networking sites
-Veganism and sobriety.
-This beautiful world.
-Faith
I'm sure theres more, buuuuuuuuuut I want some apple pie.
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope you realize what you really have so you can be thankful too :)
One day away from a year since my Grandma had the heart attack, but honestly, thats beside the point.
All day I have been thinking, "What am I grateful for". So I figured, whats a better way to say this, than in a blog :D
First of all, I'm grateful for my family. Cliche, I know. Without my family, I would be no one.
Specifically, I'm grateful for my parents. Because the two of them decided to have sex I now have life. But thats not all they've done for me. My parents provide me with everything that I need, or want. They struggle so I can be happy, and trust me, its hard seeing your family struggle. I know that everything they do, has a reason behind it. And not to sound conceited, but a lot of the times the reason is me. I'm thankful for my Mother because she is finally here to deal with me. And I'm glad that she puts up with all my shit. My Father because he tries so hard to give me the life I've always wanted. I can't even explain how much of my gratitude goes to them. I'm very thankful for my Grandma, even though shes not here with me. I'm thankful for her being my foundation for so many years. I'm thankful for every single aunt and uncle, cousin, or whoever they might be. I'm thankful for anyone who is blood related to me. I love being indulged in love.
Besides the family, I am soooo grateful for my friends. Yes, yes, I know. Cliche again, but oh well. Some of my friends have been there for me through thick and thin. They put up with the stuff that my family doesn't, and they give me laughs for days. I love my friends as much as I love my family. "You don't have to be blood to be family".
OH! And I'm thankful for my enemies too, they also make me laugh :)
Now, I'm lazy. So I'm just gunna make a list of all the things I'm thankful for.
-Veggies
-Tofu
-Music
-School
-My phone
-Clothing
-My house
-My kitties
-This computer that I'm writing this blog on.
-My bed...Well basically any thing that belongs to me.
-TWITTER <3
-All those other social networking sites
-Veganism and sobriety.
-This beautiful world.
-Faith
I'm sure theres more, buuuuuuuuuut I want some apple pie.
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope you realize what you really have so you can be thankful too :)
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Not again.
So about a year ago on the 23rd, it was the day my Grandma went into the hospital. Sadly after that, she never came home. November 27th, she had a major hard attack. She passed away peacefully, December 4th.
For the past year, I have been having dreams about her. Dreams that even I can't explain. Some of them re-occurring, others of them spontaneous.
For about the last 3 or 4 months, I haven't had any dreams about her.
Then last night, out of no where, I had one.
Its really blurry to me, but all I remember is the same theme; She came back alive and she was getting ready to die again.
This is the second time I had this dream. The first time was far more vivid than last night.
But last night, all I remember is telling her that I love her. This for some reason has been stuck in my head all day. In the dream, I was so determined to tell her how much I love her. I would not let her go without telling her that, and I remember crying.
Theres not a doubt in my mind that I didn't love her. My grandma was my everything. I don't even know what to write, but I feel like I had to write.
This time last year, she was still alive. She was so happy, she was...just so beautiful. Each day that passes, gets harder than the rest, and somehow something reminds me of her.
I wish I could just come home from school and see her sitting at the couch, "Oh hey Grandma."
I wish I could tell her how much I loved her, and I wish she could see me growing up. I miss her so much that this pain almost feels physical.
I can't even comprehend that a year has past since her death, and this is only the first.
The holidays were her favorite times of the year, she loved cooking so much.
I don't know when I'll feel complete again, I don't know if I ever will.
When I was younger, it would break me down to think that Grandma wouldn't be alive forever. But with a childish attitude, I blew that off and said "Grandma is always going to be with me."
If only I knew the significance of those words now, because as I sit here and write this I truly know how foolish I was to think that.
Oh Grandma, I love you so much.
For the past year, I have been having dreams about her. Dreams that even I can't explain. Some of them re-occurring, others of them spontaneous.
For about the last 3 or 4 months, I haven't had any dreams about her.
Then last night, out of no where, I had one.
Its really blurry to me, but all I remember is the same theme; She came back alive and she was getting ready to die again.
This is the second time I had this dream. The first time was far more vivid than last night.
But last night, all I remember is telling her that I love her. This for some reason has been stuck in my head all day. In the dream, I was so determined to tell her how much I love her. I would not let her go without telling her that, and I remember crying.
Theres not a doubt in my mind that I didn't love her. My grandma was my everything. I don't even know what to write, but I feel like I had to write.
This time last year, she was still alive. She was so happy, she was...just so beautiful. Each day that passes, gets harder than the rest, and somehow something reminds me of her.
I wish I could just come home from school and see her sitting at the couch, "Oh hey Grandma."
I wish I could tell her how much I loved her, and I wish she could see me growing up. I miss her so much that this pain almost feels physical.
I can't even comprehend that a year has past since her death, and this is only the first.
The holidays were her favorite times of the year, she loved cooking so much.
I don't know when I'll feel complete again, I don't know if I ever will.
When I was younger, it would break me down to think that Grandma wouldn't be alive forever. But with a childish attitude, I blew that off and said "Grandma is always going to be with me."
If only I knew the significance of those words now, because as I sit here and write this I truly know how foolish I was to think that.
Oh Grandma, I love you so much.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Time.
8:14, Thursday November 12, 2009.
Ok another minute just passed by. Where did that minute go? Could that minute have salvaged something? Maybe that could have been my last.
Who knows. Time is such an abstract thing, one can not see it, but it passes by ALL the time. The faint sounds of time are the clock ticking, a second, another second, and another.
Each second closer to death.
As a human, we know that recouping for lost time is impossible. The qualities of the impossibility make it all the better for us to want. We regret the time we lost, how we used our time, etc.
But why regret? If the time is gone, why do we long to change it?
Each second we take on regretting is a second that we could have been smiling, laughing, or doing something more productive.
I advise all of you take your time wisely. Don't be foolish.
Ok another minute just passed by. Where did that minute go? Could that minute have salvaged something? Maybe that could have been my last.
Who knows. Time is such an abstract thing, one can not see it, but it passes by ALL the time. The faint sounds of time are the clock ticking, a second, another second, and another.
Each second closer to death.
As a human, we know that recouping for lost time is impossible. The qualities of the impossibility make it all the better for us to want. We regret the time we lost, how we used our time, etc.
But why regret? If the time is gone, why do we long to change it?
Each second we take on regretting is a second that we could have been smiling, laughing, or doing something more productive.
I advise all of you take your time wisely. Don't be foolish.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Taking stuff for granted.
I'm not sure where to start. What to say, or how to say it. I could be blunt, or go into some whole fucking metaphorical reasoning.
Whatever comes out, comes out.
Ok. Here we go.
I found out that my Grandpa is very sick. I've known this, but today he was hospitalized.
I've never been close to my Grandpa. I mean, sure, he was my grand father, I love him but we never had much of a bond. This is where I start to feel guilty.
I have lived in Soledad for the past 9 years.
My Grandpa has never lived very far from me. Maybe a 30 min walk, a 5 min car ride.
With in these past 9 years, I'm pretty sure I can count on my toes and fingers how many times I went over. To be honest, going over to Grandpa's house was boring. I really only went on Thanksgivings and his Birthday. First regret.
When I did go over, we never talked much. It was always the same thing. "How are you" "Hows your mom/grandma/dad" blah blah blah. Continuity. No REAL conversations were hardly ever made. Second regret.
I was always the Grandchild that he never saw very often, but when I did see him I could see a light through his eyes that seemed like it was brighter than the sun. I know my grandpa loved me, maybe no different than any other grandchildren, but it was still love.
I wish I could have realized that maybe I should have made an effort to see him more often. Maybe I should have went over just to talk to him. Just to listen to stories.
I mean, he was my ONLY grandfather that I ever met. I sit here and I wonder why. why. why. WHY.
I regret all of this so much. I don't know what to do.
Whatever comes out, comes out.
Ok. Here we go.
I found out that my Grandpa is very sick. I've known this, but today he was hospitalized.
I've never been close to my Grandpa. I mean, sure, he was my grand father, I love him but we never had much of a bond. This is where I start to feel guilty.
I have lived in Soledad for the past 9 years.
My Grandpa has never lived very far from me. Maybe a 30 min walk, a 5 min car ride.
With in these past 9 years, I'm pretty sure I can count on my toes and fingers how many times I went over. To be honest, going over to Grandpa's house was boring. I really only went on Thanksgivings and his Birthday. First regret.
When I did go over, we never talked much. It was always the same thing. "How are you" "Hows your mom/grandma/dad" blah blah blah. Continuity. No REAL conversations were hardly ever made. Second regret.
I was always the Grandchild that he never saw very often, but when I did see him I could see a light through his eyes that seemed like it was brighter than the sun. I know my grandpa loved me, maybe no different than any other grandchildren, but it was still love.
I wish I could have realized that maybe I should have made an effort to see him more often. Maybe I should have went over just to talk to him. Just to listen to stories.
I mean, he was my ONLY grandfather that I ever met. I sit here and I wonder why. why. why. WHY.
I regret all of this so much. I don't know what to do.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
WHY THE FUCK
is it that as soon as I make a good fucking decision in my life, bitches have to talk shit.
First of all, I don't drink anymore because I've finally fucking grown up. I'm starting to realize shit that fucking 40 year olds don't realize. Just because I don't drink, I don't think I'm better than you. Like my mom said, "Once an addict, always an addict."
And quite honestly, i can give a flying fuck if "I'm not popular anymore." If being popular is ignorant than fuck, take your fucking ignorance and shove it up your stupid fucking ass. Stop trying to fit in with what society thinks of as a teenager. You make all fucking teenagers look bad.
I fucking hate teenagers, and honestly, "adults" aren't much better either. I'm so fucking tired of the "831", I really hope that June 2011 comes fast enough so I can GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Oh, and don't go saying "I don't care what people think about me", cause obviously if you didn't you wouldn't make that fucking statement. Stupid asses.
And this isn't directed towards one person, its a fucking rant to a mass, a mob, a group of fucking people.
If you swallowed your ignorance, you would choke on it.
First of all, I don't drink anymore because I've finally fucking grown up. I'm starting to realize shit that fucking 40 year olds don't realize. Just because I don't drink, I don't think I'm better than you. Like my mom said, "Once an addict, always an addict."
And quite honestly, i can give a flying fuck if "I'm not popular anymore." If being popular is ignorant than fuck, take your fucking ignorance and shove it up your stupid fucking ass. Stop trying to fit in with what society thinks of as a teenager. You make all fucking teenagers look bad.
I fucking hate teenagers, and honestly, "adults" aren't much better either. I'm so fucking tired of the "831", I really hope that June 2011 comes fast enough so I can GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Oh, and don't go saying "I don't care what people think about me", cause obviously if you didn't you wouldn't make that fucking statement. Stupid asses.
And this isn't directed towards one person, its a fucking rant to a mass, a mob, a group of fucking people.
If you swallowed your ignorance, you would choke on it.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Alcohol?
Most people take their first sips of alcohol at an early age, and many experience the wonders of being drunk very early as well.
I took my first sips of alcohol when I was very young. My parents offering a sip of beer to me when I was 5, I believe. The laughter of all the adults overwhelmed me, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.
The first time I got drunk, wow. I was 15, and I could barely stand. I threw up all over the place. This soon became a very familiar feeling and it was my plan for every weekend.
My week consisted of school, and me counting down the days till the weekend so I could get drunk. I didn't care what I drank, as long as I was drunk and I was drunk fast.
Bacardi 151 and UV Vodka became my best friends. I never thought about the consequences with the law, my parents, or what damage was being done to my body. I would wake up the next morning barely remembering the night behind me. I would see pictures in my phone and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Sadly, these pictures didn't even phase me.
Over the next year, I would realize that drinking was "no big deal". All my drinking took away my problems, shit never mattered to me when I was drunk.
Then my Grandma passed away. All I could think about was getting drunk so I could be numb. Numb. Numb. Numb?
I didn't even know how to cope with it. Of course I cried, but what else could I do to take care of these feelings? So I drank. And I drank again.
The first time I drank after my grandma's death, was horrible. I cried for 30 mins straight. Not even realizing what I was crying about. I was with friends who I expected to comfort me, but they didn't cause they were so fucked up.
The second time was horrible. New Years will never remain the same to me.
But even from this, I didn't learn. Months later, I was still drinking. Not every weekend but it was still happening.
Then BAAM. My best friend's very close relatives died from drunk driving. My friend, who is edge, was devastated but pissed off at the drunk driver. I felt guilty. As I tried to comfort her, all that kept going through my head was "Damn, Samantha. You are so fucking stupid". That night I made a promise to her that I would never drink again.
And then BAM again. My mom is an ex-alcoholic. She damaged her liver greatly. And because of this, she has to go through a treatment during the holiday's that is going to make her sick. Its like chemo-therapy.
All of these things kept coming at me, it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I soon started to realize the friends who cared about me, and they didn't want me to drink. I started having fun sober.
So many reasons were calling at my name to be sober, to not pollute my body anymore.
So, I did. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do this anymore, for my family, my friends, and me.
I started realizing that my friends who still drink are ignorant. As much as I hate to call them that, thats what I truly think.
I lost some friends over this decision, not completely, but our bonds were slightly broken. But it didn't quite bother me as much as I thought it was going to.
People who drink never quite learn, sure its fun for the moment but you don't realize the people you are hurting.
My dad drinks almost everyday and it hurts. I want to tell him all these things, make him realize but the words just won't come out.
Today, I learned that my second cousin Susie past away. I have no clue from what, but I know that her alcoholism was a big contributor.
May she rest in peace, but may her death be a gateway to new thoughts. Maybe people will realize that what they are doing is bad.
Maybe death is what it takes, I hope people start realizing a lot sooner.
This blog was poorly written, I dont care. Just a ramble.
Rest in Peace, Susie.
I took my first sips of alcohol when I was very young. My parents offering a sip of beer to me when I was 5, I believe. The laughter of all the adults overwhelmed me, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.
The first time I got drunk, wow. I was 15, and I could barely stand. I threw up all over the place. This soon became a very familiar feeling and it was my plan for every weekend.
My week consisted of school, and me counting down the days till the weekend so I could get drunk. I didn't care what I drank, as long as I was drunk and I was drunk fast.
Bacardi 151 and UV Vodka became my best friends. I never thought about the consequences with the law, my parents, or what damage was being done to my body. I would wake up the next morning barely remembering the night behind me. I would see pictures in my phone and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Sadly, these pictures didn't even phase me.
Over the next year, I would realize that drinking was "no big deal". All my drinking took away my problems, shit never mattered to me when I was drunk.
Then my Grandma passed away. All I could think about was getting drunk so I could be numb. Numb. Numb. Numb?
I didn't even know how to cope with it. Of course I cried, but what else could I do to take care of these feelings? So I drank. And I drank again.
The first time I drank after my grandma's death, was horrible. I cried for 30 mins straight. Not even realizing what I was crying about. I was with friends who I expected to comfort me, but they didn't cause they were so fucked up.
The second time was horrible. New Years will never remain the same to me.
But even from this, I didn't learn. Months later, I was still drinking. Not every weekend but it was still happening.
Then BAAM. My best friend's very close relatives died from drunk driving. My friend, who is edge, was devastated but pissed off at the drunk driver. I felt guilty. As I tried to comfort her, all that kept going through my head was "Damn, Samantha. You are so fucking stupid". That night I made a promise to her that I would never drink again.
And then BAM again. My mom is an ex-alcoholic. She damaged her liver greatly. And because of this, she has to go through a treatment during the holiday's that is going to make her sick. Its like chemo-therapy.
All of these things kept coming at me, it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I soon started to realize the friends who cared about me, and they didn't want me to drink. I started having fun sober.
So many reasons were calling at my name to be sober, to not pollute my body anymore.
So, I did. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do this anymore, for my family, my friends, and me.
I started realizing that my friends who still drink are ignorant. As much as I hate to call them that, thats what I truly think.
I lost some friends over this decision, not completely, but our bonds were slightly broken. But it didn't quite bother me as much as I thought it was going to.
People who drink never quite learn, sure its fun for the moment but you don't realize the people you are hurting.
My dad drinks almost everyday and it hurts. I want to tell him all these things, make him realize but the words just won't come out.
Today, I learned that my second cousin Susie past away. I have no clue from what, but I know that her alcoholism was a big contributor.
May she rest in peace, but may her death be a gateway to new thoughts. Maybe people will realize that what they are doing is bad.
Maybe death is what it takes, I hope people start realizing a lot sooner.
This blog was poorly written, I dont care. Just a ramble.
Rest in Peace, Susie.
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