HAHAHAHAH Growing up has never been so funny.

Applying for Scholarships...

wish me luck, guys :)

This quote will get me through the night.

"Wake up, look up, there's a warmth up there
a reminder of peace, a reason to care."

Speechless.

I have never seen my Mom so scared. The look in her eyes is that of a 5 year old girl whose lost.
I feel the tears, and I wish there was something that I can do.

My aunt has breast cancer, and it is now in stage 4. 

Its hard to process, and the first thing that comes in my head is "not again".
I have so many unanswered questions, so many unsaid things, and it feels like such a limited time to do so.

The thought of death around the corner scares me...but its not about me.
I'm going to put my all in being strong. I need to stay strong.



My word advice:
You can NEVER tell someone that you love them enough. Be sure that the first & last thing you say to someone close to you are "I love you".

Before I go to sleep.

Realism doesn't exist except to the person who believes that they, themselves, are a realist.

Good night.

This feeling that never gets old.

"I've given up too many nights, in hopes to hide away with sleep. I'm running from my enemy, but still she drags me by the feet. Fuck days when I can't find the time, or even care to open my eyes. I drill the clock into the wall. Pass hours until I'm wrinkled thin. Nightmares seem to follow me, its getting hard to remember my dreams. If I stay awake tonight I'll gain much more than growing old. Now each eyelid shut, I 'm giving in but never giving up.

Wake up."

 

Life is

-Beautiful.

"It is not length of life, but depth of life." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Mike Giant art has a special place in my heart.

I don't know what it is, but I love it.

Moment of truth.

For almost a year I've devoted my life to not eating meat, and for almost 2 months I've devoted it to not consuming or supporting animal products at all. I made this decision solely upon me and with VERY little influence. And the influence that I did get didn't come from the whole "everyone else is doing it".
I'm bothered by the fact that because I'm vegan, I'm apparently "following a trend".
My response: TREND SHMEND. 


Lets get a couple of things straight.

-I'm vegan because of me. I'm vegan for the animals. I'm vegan for a better life style. <--- Do you see "trend" anywhere in that?
-If I was doing it for this so called "trend" I wouldn't put as much money, energy, or passion that I do. I have pride for being vegan, and I'm never scared to argue my morals with someone.


Should I care what people think about my veganism? No, I shouldn't. But I do.
I care because vegan isn't just a word, its not just the way I eat, or what I don't eat. Its a life style, its MY life style. Hell, its my life. I love being vegan.
Veganism has given me a better outlook on life. I would never go back to eating meat.

But even IF veganism/vegetarianism is a trend it doesn't matter much to me. The more vegans, the better.

"Stop this bloody axe from swinging. Pray my broken heart keeps beating. Stop. This. Axe"

"I'll live this way until I die, in the end I'll be smiling till I cry"

I like this.

When I was cleaning out my drawers the other day, I found all my stuff that I use to write. And I found something that really intrigued me.
It didn't have a title, just a date. It was all crumpled but the words had so much meaning, I was so surprised that I wrote this.

 6/13/09

 Like a little girl I start writing your name on my paper, I write it oh so nicely, in pretty handwriting and seal it with a heart. The heart is there to represent love and possibly a feeling of togetherness. I seem to think this heart can't be broken. Although in the back of my mind bites the insecurities, soon taking over my head. With everything that goes wrong I give myelf abuse that I think will do justice. What is wrong with me? I think that question and in fact I'm not even sure if it can be answered. Everything seems to be wrong and soon your glittery words take over my heart. I have fell to hard. I practically break everything in me, but with the strength I do have, I set myself up and i dust myself off. My soft exterior soon becomes very hard and the glitter is soon washed away. I am left with bruises, scrapes, and scars. But most of all I am left with this situation. The blurryness and confusion. I know that from now on I do not seek glittery words but rather dull, so I can find the glitter inside of you. Call me crazy but I am glad that I fell for you, it gave me a chance to pick myself up on my own. I have now learned my own strength and I know what I am capable of all because of my fall. I believe you have helped me grow up a little and I hope you know what you are missing out on. For now, I will not hate but with time I might come to realize that your actions are deserving of some kind of disgust.

If you couldn't tell, its about a boy. Ew.

"I'll count the hours having just one wish, if I'm doing fine then theres no point to this."

This is where my heart is.

<-- Professional Piercing, <3

Update!

I feel like I'm on top of the world, and nothing can bring me down.
Honestly, life is great. I can't ask for anything better.
2010 seems like my year, and I hope that it stays that way.

But what goes up, must come down right?

Unfortunately. Today I found out that my aunts breast cancer showed up again. I hope that everything is under control, please keep her in your prayers.

Besides that, I'm keeping my head UP and hoping for a better tomorrow. Yesterday doesn't even exist. And today is already almost the past.

"In my days somebody told me that the rain would always come, always come to wash away the pain. But nothing changes and this world still wants me down, wants me down on my knees praying in that rain.
Born this way, die this way.

I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees, I'd rather die on my feet so you can watch me, you can watch me, WATCH ME RISE, with the things we carry."

Good day, sir :) 

 

New Year. New start. New Sam?

The new year comes around and everyones first thought: New Years Resolution.

For the past couple of years, I've made the same cliche resolutions as everyone else. I always put so much effort into thinking what I could change, and what was needed to change.
The first one that was always on my list was: lose weight. That was always an epic fail, and this year I didn't even bother to think about it.
As the new year came around, I kept thinking. Reflecting on 2009 and what happened, what didn't, and what could of.

I finally came up with one:
BE MORE ASSERTIVE.

This simple little sentence is one that scares me, and I don't even know how to go about it.

as⋅ser⋅tive/əˈsɜrtɪv/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [uh-sur-tiv]

–adjective

1.	confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive: aggressive; dogmatic

"Confidently aggressive"- First of all, I have no confidence. None. Zero. This could be a big problem. I'm so unsure of myself, its horrible. I'm going to work on loving me, and not someone else.

For years I have let everyone step over me. I've never been able to say no and I've always been the one who got screwed over time and time again.
For once in my life, I want to strive for excellence without getting hurt.

Wish me luck guys :)

This should have probably been the first thing I blogged...

Well, considering that I haven't wrote one of these yet I'm going to write one of those "about me" blogs. Get ready for the biggest thrill of your life...HA!

Well, my name is Samantha Magdalena Barba. I live in the coolest town ever--NOT. I live in Soledad, California. It may be boring, but in reality its all I know. I'm 16, soon to be 17, and I'm a smart ass. Really, I am. I'm more stubborn than a mule; but I have ethics that, sometimes, surprise even me.

I'm your typical everyday teenager...well for the most part. I like talking on the phone, going for walks, being with friends, and all that jazz.
Well, thats all on the surface of course. But inside of me, I have this inferno flame of passion burning with feelings that have the intensity of a million suns... or NOT. I'm a drama geek (hence the last sentence) and a band geek. Band is MY LIFE. I breathe, sleep, eat, and poop BAND. Well not band, but music.

The morals that I hold have been with me since the day of time, or ones that I've recently adopted. I'm vegan. I'm straight edge. Family&friends mean more to me than ME.

My choice of being vegan all reflects off of the compassion in my heart and the longing for change. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you must think that I'm one of those hippies who fight for world peace and do all that other hippie crap. But I'm not. In fact, all I want is animal rights and for people to be more educated about where there food, clothing, entertainment, and treatments are coming from and what it endured to be where it is now. I never impose my thoughts; all I do is educate.

I'm straight edge because of various reasons. I've been through tough times and the skeletons in my closet are there to prove it. I love my family and friends more than you can imagine, and by me doing all that hooplah with drugs and alcohol, I know its just hurting them. I wake up each morning knowing that my day will be a day well lived out, without a crutch.

Once I was asked, "what WOULD you do without your family". A simple question was turned into one of the most complex. Because honestly, what would I do. I would die. Point blank. Either literally or metaphorically. My family is my crutch. My foundation. My everything. Love doesn't explain it, and no other word ever will. And friends fall into this category too.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Cause and effect pattern. When something doesn't go my way, I know that it was for the better. Positive thinking.

I always get all mumbled jumbled when I'm asked to write about myself...because I never know what else to write. I mean, sure, I got the whole vegan, straightedge, family thing down. But what else? What else is there to Samantha Magdalena Barba? I know there's more. But I just can't find it, hopefully someday I will. And this is what motivates me to live. The unknown secrets of tomorrow, the not knowing if tomorrow even exists! Everyday is a new day, and tomorrow or yesterday are not my worries.


For now, that is all. Notice how I said "for now" :D